So many today have been successful at raising brats. Here's some of the finest advice you'll ever receive on how to raise a brat:

1. WHEN A BABY, DON'T LET THEM CRY IN BED
        Do not allow YOUR baby to suffer any hardships, especially in infancy. Run to their aid as soon as they cry. They'll soon know how to control you, rather than you controlling them. This way, they'll expect to be pampered all of their lives.

2. LET THEM SAY "NO"
        It's so cute. Let that be their favorite word. Sure, it's rebellion verbalized, but they should be allowed to have a mind of their own.

3. DO NOT GIVE THEM ANY DUTIES OR RESPONSIBILITIES
        Do it all for them. Then they'll think this world owes them a living. They'll quickly join the crowd of grown up babies shouting, "I've got my rights," rather than those who are men and women enough to fulfill their responsibilities.

4. NEVER SPANK THEM
        When the senior citizens today speak of spanking as being "the way we used to do it," remember, grandma and grandpa were "child abusers." Don't ever discipline your child. Wait till they're in trouble, and let the penal system (prisons and jails) discipline them. Listen to Dr. Spock (who never raised a child in his life) and the other child psychologists, not the old timers who raised 5 or 10 children successfully! Throw out the Bible and its admonitions like: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (early in life)" Proverbs 13:24. "The rod AND reproof (teaching that exposes wrong) give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame," Proverbs 29:15. You can only develop a true brat if you won't properly discipline them.

5. ALWAYS DEFEND THEM IN SCHOOL
        Always take the child's side. Teachers and principals have got it "in" for the little angel. Understand that your child can do no wrong. Expect teachers and principals to know that too!

6. CRITICIZE LEADERS AND PREACHERS
        You can't trust them. Tear down authority in front of them. Make sure they hear you. They'll live in insecurity not knowing who to trust. They will be totally prepared for a life of rebellion. They will not learn to properly fear anyone and will probably lose their jobs when the boss asks them to do something. Don't tell them that 99% of those in leadership positions are good people who are sincere and have never been indicted for anything. Leave them with the impression that they are all bad.

7. DON'T EVER SAY "I LOVE YOU"
        They can figure that out! After all, you've given them everything they've ever wanted. What more can a parent do (of course, don't give them yourself!)

8. GIVE THEM EVERYTHING THEY WANT
        Buy something for them every time you go into a store. Never say "no" to them. When properly trained this way, they will be used to having every appetite of theirs fulfilled immediately. When they grow older and develop natural sexual appetites, they will have been trained by you to seek immediate fulfillment. Teen pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases shouldn't really surprise the parent then. Sooo... give them everything they ask for while they are kids.

9. NEVER TEACH THEM THE BIBLE
        Teach them math, science, history, art, music, reading, physical education, sex education, etc. but don't teach them the Bible. Let them decide for themselves. Make them go to school 5 days a week for all day, but don't take them to church for 1 hour on Sunday. They probably need to sleep in anyway.

10. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR CHILD
         They are little angel's anyway. They wouldn't dare do anything behind your back. Did you ever ask a young person whom you catch smoking, "Do you smoke at home?" Usually the answer is, "You've got to be kidding my parents would kill me." Remember, that's the other kids in town, yours would never do that.

11. SCREAM AT YOUR CHILDREN
         This is the only type of communication necessary to raise a brat. Time spent answering their questions and instructing them is wasted time. The only training really required of parents is potty-training. After that, it is the obligation of day cares preschools and schools. Scream constantly, and the fond memories your children have of home life will assure you as a parent that your kids will never take care of you when you're old.

12. LET YOUR CHILD COME AND GO AS THEY WILL
         Don't set any boundaries. This will lead to a life of insecurity. Brats don't need guidelines.

13. MAKE SURE THEY ARE POPULAR
         They must be in with the crowd, their peers! Don't let them be an oddball. If they follow the crowd, the crowd will become the greatest influence in their lives. Nothing to fear there, right?

14. LET THEM WATCH TV CONSTANTLY
         Keep them away from reality. Let them live in fantasy all of their lives. Brats need entertainment! A life of comfort and ease produces high-class brats. They won't know how to deal with reality or real people, but maybe they'll just go into seclusion rather than becoming contentious or hostile. It's usually one or the other.

15. LET THEM WATCH TV CONSTANTLY
         Keep them away from reality. Let them live in fantasy all of their lives. Brats need entertainment! A life of comfort and ease produces high-class brats. They won't know how to deal with reality or real people, but maybe they'll just go into seclusion rather than becoming contentious or hostile. It's usually one or the other.

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Last modified: 12/11/2002